The Books

An Unlikely Funeral

Description

The hilarious new comedy from the author of Flight of the Cuckoo and The P**e in the Jam Tart

The newsreader took a breath and began: –

“And here we have the remarkable tale of local man George Pimpton who sadly died last week at the grand old age of 96. It’s only since his passing that locals have realised they had a reclusive celebrity in their midst. His story has captured the attention of the nation, and people are fascinated that such a man had been quietly living down an unassuming terraced street, keeping himself to himself. All week people have been coming out in droves to lay flowers outside of his house, and to give donations to his favourite charity – Guide Dogs For The Blind.”

The only problem was, this was all an accidental lie. George Pimpton was no celebrity. He’d never done anything remotely interesting with his life and had spent the last thirty years of his unremarkable existence laid in bed watching daytime Tv and picking at his bellybutton fluff.

Upon his death, his well intentioned – though often misguided – neighbours simply wanted to jazz up his obituary to make his life sound a little more interesting, a well meant gesture that quickly got drastically out of hand due to the perils of social media. It didn’t take long before the celebrities starting coming out of the woodwork too with half-remembered stories about George. After all, anyone who was anyone, had a story to tell about old George.

‘My what remarkable new clothes the Emperor wore.’

Merlstead Heights Hotel

It’s New Year’s Eve 1910, and the Merlstead Heights Hotel is having its opening night! A night that will be remembered for the sinister incidents which trigger a far reaching chain of events in motion.

Throughout the 1920’s a devil in pinstripes takes charge with an evil to trump the darkness of the hotel, and along with his dastardly presence brings along a coveted motorcar – the Bentley Speed Six, that bleeds evil into the hotel from its tomb in the old coach house, and has many times been forced to slumber…. But slumber never lasts when one is always half-awake.

Now a new young couple is in town and falling for the charms of the ruined old hotel. Greater than the task of the restoration work is the unpicking of the hotels infamous past as the young couple descend into a nightmare of fear, confusion and loss. What begins as a great adventure soon becomes tainted by the bouts of memory loss, disturbing photographs and an unnerving game of hangman that appears upon the stairwell wall.

Woven throughout the story is the history of the previous proprietors time in the hotel, cut short by a rope and a nasty encounter with the cursed Bentley.

Hello

Upon the death of her lover, Paula finds herself at the mercy of both the courts and the vigilantes as she puts forward her claim of not guilty by reason of self-defence.

Trying to rebuild her tattered life and salvage her sore self-esteem she finally finds someone who she thinks she could love again…. Although there’s the sick thoughts and wants of the sinister stalker to consider too. The man that stares up at Paula’s window every evening and seems to be in her eyeline no matter where she goes.

From violent vigilante attacks to innocent bystanders getting caught in the crossfire, Paula’s terror increases along with the body count. The stakes are high and her world seems a dark confusing place as she gives her all to salvage the memory of the man she loves.

The P**e in the Jam Tart

Living with an adulterous husband and a fifteen-year-old Goth is no easy life for 35-year-old Claire Porter. Trying her hardest to ignore her husband’s affair with his secretary, and doing her best to do her son’s homework to the best of her (and Google’s) ability, combined with a job she hates and a deep routed fear that she may be a racist and just not know it, her life is a trial to navigate – particularly when her head is buried permanently in the sand to avoid having to confront anything.

One morning during breakfast, Claire’s head comes hurtling out of the sand at warp speed after – what she refers to as ‘the jam tart incident’. It is the straw that broke the camel’s back. After the first outburst of her life, gone is the mild-mannered lady who would turn the other cheek and pretend everything was fine, and in her place, is a grumpy middle-aged woman -clad in Shaun-the-sheep slippers – unable to control her temper.

A down to earth comedy – poking fun at our politically correct times, religion and our love of stereotypes. Possibly a book to avoid if you are of a religious disposition.

The Little Pink Pill

….The world can be a scary place to navigate when you’re brain damaged. Even scarier when you aren’t entirely sure what you might have done during a blackout while your alternate personality is running around in your body. My wife calls him ‘The other one’.
If you can’t trust your own eyes or the people around you, sometimes it pays to take a leap of faith. I have, I stopped taking my little pink pill. I wonder what will happen?…

After a chance meeting with Sid during a hospital visit – who also suffered with schizophrenia, the two of us embarked on a sometimes humorous, sometimes terrifying journey of twists and turns in an effort just to stay in what we believed to be a state of equilibrium. The only problem was, neither of us knew if what we perceived was real or not, especially when LSD got thrown into the mix.
We also had a worrying eye on the news, as more and more people seemed to be going missing, and I wasn’t certain if I, Sid, or any of our ‘other selves’ may have played a hand in it.

CUCKOO’S NEST

Volume two in ‘The Cuckoo’ series.

Sarah Pemberton’s back, raising hell and wreaking havoc.

Despite desperately trying to be the demure lady of the manor, things don’t quite go to plan.

Armed with her ever faithful troop, they have to batten down the hatches and keep the intruders from the gate.
What can you do when people try to break you?

Don’t take things lying down!

Restoring a rundown hotel is stressful enough, having your arch enemy move in next door is a recipe for disaster. Add to the mix the discovery of a secret locked door that holds its own puzzles and mysteries, and you get a whole shed load of fun!

If you have a wicked sense of humour, this is the book for you.

Sequel to ‘Flight of the Cuckoo’.

Flight of the Cuckoo

A funny novel of twists and turns, life, death, love, and of course…..revenge.

This is the dark but humorous tale of Sarah Pemberton, who is not a happy woman. A down to earth, inventive soul who despises her stuck up pompous husband Neil, who believes he is much more intelligent and important than she is. When he refuses her a divorce and emotionally blackmails her into staying with him by threatening to take custody of their daughter, she’s decides to make life a little more entertaining for herself – by subtly torturing him at every available opportunity.

Creative and adaptable by nature, with a wicked sense of humour, she comes up with more and more ways to ridicule him, without him ever knowing she has a hand in it.

….”During 1993-1994 amongst other things, I cooked him a meat pie with pedigree chum,
stole his car more times than I can count, put chilli powder in his underpants, sent a stripagram to his work (a fat one), and subscribed him to a gay porn mag! (Our paperboy avoided him like the plague after that.)”…..

Finding accomplices in the form of her aunt May, who lives in a crumbling old former hotel – which was damaged during WWII, and May’s two lodgers, a shy young hippy named Darren, along with his brother Matthew a former life model, they try to get rid of her husband by either ‘Plan A’ – which consists of ‘frame him for a crime so that he gets incarcerated’, or ‘Plan B ‘- drive him to a nervous breakdown. Both plans are designed to discredit Neil in case of a custody battle for their daughter.
There is only one little prerequisite for every little torturous idea though, and that is…IT HAS TO MAKE THEM LAUGH! 

When plans A & B go disastrously wrong, Sarah and co set their sights on a new target, her in-laws.

Interwoven throughout the story is the tale of aunt May, the lynch pin of her little make-shift family, who harbours secrets of her own that go back to the night the bomb fell on the east wing of the hotel.

This is not a tale of a submissive woman suffering at the hands of abuse; this is the tale of a strong courageous woman having one last laugh at other people’s expense.

Contains very occasional strong language, and scenes that should not be repeated at home.

Volume One of ‘The Cuckoo’ series

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